Going Under
by Dirty Kisses
Summary: Based on lyrics by Evanescence. Hermione has been in love with Snape for 3 years and he doesn't know. Will she tell him? HOW will she tell him? And Harry isn't the good little wizard you all know and love.
1. My Secret

I sat in my room, crying silently while hugging me knees. The lyrics to a muggle song fought their way into my mind. It made so much sense to me.  
  
"Now I will tell you what I've done for you,  
  
50 thousand tears, I've cried.  
  
Screaming, deceiving and bleeding for you,  
  
And you still won't hear me.  
  
Don't want your hand this time, I'll save myself,  
  
Maybe I'll wake up for once.  
  
Not tormented daily defeated by you,  
  
Just when I thought I'd reached the bottom,  
  
I'm dying again.  
  
I'm going under,  
  
Drowning in you.  
  
I'm falling forever,  
  
I've got to break through,  
  
I'm going under  
  
Blurring and stirring the truth and the lies,  
  
So I don't know what's real and what's not.  
  
Always confusing the thoughts in my head,  
  
So I can't trust myself anymore.  
  
I'm dying again.  
  
I'm going under,  
  
Drowning in you.  
  
I'm falling forever;  
  
I've got to break through.  
  
So go on and scream,  
  
Scream at me I'm so far away,  
  
I won't be broken again,  
  
I've got to breathe, I can't keep going under."  
  
50 thousand tears? Try 50 thousand more and you'd be half way there. I wished. I prayed he would understand what I felt for him. For 3 years I had yearned for him, wanted him, and fallen in love with him. I wasn't great at Potions, and it frustrated both me and him. He was critical of my work, but I always thought it was because, underneath the layer of venom, he cared for his students. I had always hoped it was because he cared for me more, but I always snapped out of it, being more of a realist than an optimist.  
  
The lyrics whirled around in my head as I sketched love hearts on my notebook. I missed my family and my muggle friends. Of course, I had good friends at Hogwarts - Harry and Ron were great - but I needed a hug, and I needed a shoulder to cry on. Ron and Harry would disown me if they knew my secret. MY secret. I sighed, thinking by keeping my forbidden love secret, I was holding a bit of Snape in my heart and noone else would know.  
  
I took in a breath and released my legs from my grasp. I stood infront of the full length mirror and took a good look at myself. I was attractive and wasn't in bad shape. Infact, last Valentine's Day I received 3 cards and 2 single red roses. It brought a smile to my face, but I couldn't stop my eyes from wandering over to meet Snape's black eyes in the Great Hall. I had hoped one of the roses was sent secretly from him. I sighed and made my way to the door to the common room. What the hell do I have to offer to him? I'm no good at potions. I don't match his intelligence by half, and I'm a Gryffindor. All I have to offer him is love. If only he knew. 


	2. The Date

Disclaimer (do we have to do these??) - none of the characters are mine. Property of J.K Rowling (lucky woman!)  
  
SuperHBKfan - Thank you hon :) My first review!  
  
Oh, and also - I said in the first chapter "I" wasn't very good at potions and such. It is written in Hermione's POV, but I'm just making her more like me **grin**  
  
Anyway, on with the show.  
  
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I met Harry and Ron in the Gryffindor common room. They claimed that they had been wondering if I was alright and said they were about to send Ginny up to see me.  
  
Dinner was fine, as usual. I glanced to the teacher's table whenever I could, to see Snape. He looked at me a few times, either because he was as bored as I was, or he was uncomfortable with me looking at him. He should be used to it by now though. I often found myself gazing at him while he was at his desk in class. I knew he wasn't the evil professor everyone made him out to be. One more than one occasion we had shared walks around the building and I had always found him to be a charming man, deep down. I spent a lot of time in the library, reading muggle literature, while he would look for ingredients lists for certain potions. We realised we shared a passion for literature and I enjoyed discussing it with him. A few times we had been in the library until late and he had walked me back to the Gryffindor common room door.  
  
Something had changed though. I didn't know what, but the friendship deteriorated a little. We had less of our chats in the library and didn't speak much outside of class. I didn't love him any less. If anything, my feelings grew stronger day after day. I missed him. I could be talking to him in class, yet still miss him inside and the bond we used to have. Perhaps it was just me that felt the connection. Or maybe Dumbledore had warned him for getting too close to a student. We weren't lovers, of course, but I could see how an outsider would have thought that. Borrowing books from each other, sharing walks through the halls after curfew; sweet little things that I may have blown out of proportion.  
  
Ginny and I linked arms as we walked up to the Gryffindor common room. Harry and Ron followed behind. I remember encouraging Ginny to go out on a date with Harry. It was obvious that Harry was crazy about the girl. Ginny, rather reluctantly, agreed to give in and let Harry treat her in the evening. Harry had fancied me a few months ago, so I was keen to find him a girlfriend.  
  
Later that evening I was helping a nervous Ginny decide what dress to wear. In the end we chose a short white, strapped dress, teamed with a pair of my high heels and her diamond necklace. At 8pm, Harry was waiting in the common room for his date. I couldn't help but notice that Harry should have been paying more attention to Ginny, not me. Sometimes I would feel uneasy sitting in the common room or in the dinner hall with Harry. I often caught him staring at me, only to see him quickly turn away when I caught him looking. I smiled uneasily at Harry and nudged Ginny towards him. They put Harry's invisibility cloak over themselves and snuck out for what was supposed to be a romantic dinner.  
  
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Next chapter is called the Aftermath, so I'm going to make you wait a bit  
longer before I put it up!  
Thanks for reading,  
  
Becky xx 


	3. The Aftermath

Disclaimer - Hermione, Ginny, Ron, Neville, Harry, Parvati, Snape, Hogwarts, Gryffindor, etc, etc do NOT belong to me. But as everyone knows by now, I would love to own Snape (and keep him in a cage, muhaha!) Anyway, they're not mine. They're J.K's.  
  
Anastasia - Thank you hon. I haven't even started the next chapter yet so you really will have to wait ;) Jenbachand - Yeh, I had thought about writing some from Snape's POV, but not just yet. In later chapters, maybe. Or perhaps I'll write another fic, with the same storyline, but all from Snape's POV. (That might be boring, though??) Hermione_Snape, Zebra Eyez, and superHBKfan (again!) thank you loads :) I'm a feedback whore, hehe.  
  
I was kind of disappointed with the second chapter, actually. I preferred the first chapter because it was all thoughts and feelings. Meh, that's just my own opinion though!  
  
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I was lying awake in bed waiting for Ginny to arrive back. It had just gone half past 11, so I guess they were having the time of their lives. At that exact moment, Ginny stumbled through the door. She collapsed onto her bed, still clothed and I heard muffled sobs.  
  
"Gin? What's wrong?" I asked, concerned. I didn't hear an answer, just more sobbing. I leapt out of bed and ran to her.  
  
"What happened? Didn't it work out for you two?"  
  
Still no reply, but I saw it then; a fresh cute to her face and a tear in her dress. I held hear hand, realising she needed someone to stay with her but I knew she wouldn't talk to me about it. Ginny was clutching at her stomach with her right arm. She had a purple bruise beginning to appear on her wrist, and as I lifted her left arm to inspect, I saw the same harsh bruising appearing. I had no idea about who or what had done this, but I certainly intended to find out. I stood up, leant over and kissed her forehead and said goodnight. Looking back, it would have been more honourable of me to stay by her bedside.  
  
The next morning I woke up and made my way to the shower. I heard water cascading down - Ginny's bed was empty and all the other girls were still sleeping, so it was the perfect opportunity for me to question Ginny about the night before. At half past 6, fifteen minutes later, Ginny emerged, looking a lot better than she had done. She took one look at me and yelled, "don't even BOTHER asking me, Hermione. I'm not going to talk about it!" And she stormed passed me and started rummaging through her clothes. I jumped in and out of the shower and was ready in 5 minutes, after drying my hair with a spell. When I was dressed, I hurried out and caught up with Ginny as she was leaving the bedroom.  
  
We entered the common room together. It was almost 7am, and the only other people in the room were Harry, Neville and Ron. "Ginny, darling, we had a good time last night didn't we?" Harry winked and gave a sly, almost evil, smile. He turned to me and grinned, "you have no idea what you're missing, 'Mione." I rolled my eyes, but focused on Ginny again. Something was very wrong; she hadn't smiled or uttered a word. Perhaps Harry didn't notice the cut on her face - Ginny had covered it up pretty well. But his devious smile was twisted, which lead me to think he knew more than he was letting on. Harry stood up proudly and said he was going for a walk. Ron and Neville followed, sharing a private joke between the two of them.  
  
"Ginny, you have to tell me what happened! It'll stay between the two of us, I promise. You know you can trust me, hon." I pleaded with her, desperate to find a way in. Ginny walked slowly over to me and sat down cautiously with a pained expression on her face.  
  
"Hermione, I can't." And she let her tears flow. She allowed my arms to comfort her and she cried into my hug for at least half an hour. Other students, who had begun to float downstairs got told to go away by me before they could open their mouths to ask Ginny how she was. Finally, ten minutes later, Ginny told me she was staying in the girl's room all day. I told her I would stay with her, but she insisted I went to my lessons.  
  
I jogged to the Great Hall to have breakfast, but before I got through the doors I heard that deep, silky voice. "Ms. Granger? Why are we late?" I spun around to meet Snape's glaring, but perfect, eyes.  
  
"We, Sir? I'm late because I over slept, but I can't answer on your behalf." I grinned cheekily. Snape raised an eyebrow, then stepped forward to open the Hall doors and gently pushed me forward. I hated going in that all even a few minutes late. Everybody felt the need to turn and look at the late arriver. I found a seat next to Pavarti, but wasn't hungry. I felt too worried about Ginny, so I started a conversation about potions. I had potions with Snape next, but I reminded myself to visit Ginny before the lessons started.  
  
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Sorry for the lack of Snape. I have the plot all in my head and trust me, he will be in it a lot **grins**  
  
Thanks for reading this. Review it (please) or I'll cry. 


	4. The Lake

bDisclaimer: None of these characters are mine, unfortunately. They were created by J.K Rowling, blah blah blah./b - Yeh, you might well be right about the Ginny/Harry thing. And don't worry, Potter will get what is coming to him **evil grin** Not sure about killing him. Yet.  
  
/b - Oh Snape isn't scary - he's a little kitten really. Meow ;)  
  
bKayla Olden/b - You are about to find out…  
  
/b - Thank you, it's taken me a while but I'm back again, hurrah.  
  
/b - Oh yeh I am a hopeless romantic too. Lots of sweet stuff later I should think.  
  
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At exactly 9am, on the dot, Snape's classroom door burst open and he strode in, with his cloak flowing behind him. He gracefully glided to the front of the class and spun round to face his nervous students.   
  
"Pass your assignments to the front of class." Ordered Snape. The assignment has been to study one potion of choice in depth and write a 2000 word essay on it. I had rushed it all on the day it was set, because I knew if I didn't do it then I would have left it until the last minute. If that were the case I would never have finished it and would have landed myself a week of detentions with Snape. Wait a minute… I made a mental note to not hand in my homework for potions next lesson. Spending a week of detentions with Snape seemed wonderful to me, even he if he was going to order me to clean the desks without magic.  
  
I have fallen. Fallen into eyes as dark as pools of melted chocolate. I want to let go, to fall, but if I do will I ever be able to pull myself out again? I could lose myself here, I can feel it.  
  
"Granger, what are you gaping at?"  
  
I snapped back to my senses and left my daydream on pause, to pick it up again later.  
  
"Oh, sorry. I'm just… tired."  
  
"That is what the night is for, child. You have at least 8 hours to sleep every night."  
  
The Slytherins sniggered and I felt myself turning red. Why does he do this? Can't he just be nice, for once? Maybe he just does it in front of his house… And he did hold the door open for me earlier. Oh men are so confusing. What would he want a 17, almost 18-year-old girl for? But I love him, I really do.  
  
"… And it seems once again Miss Granger cannot keep her thoughts on track. Perhaps a detention would be in order?"  
  
"No, I'm so…"  
  
"Very well. 6 o'clock tonight with Filch."  
  
I groaned. Why Filch? Slimy bastard who never washed. He'd have me unblocking the toilets or something equally disgusting. What annoyed me more is that I wanted to keep an eye on Ginny and see if Harry was acting strange again. Ah well, if I unblocked the toilets extra fast I could run back earlier than usual to meet Ginny.  
  
The rest of the day went by in a daze. It was so hot. Almost too hot to concentrate. Lunchtime was spent outside the castle, by the lake. I sat with Pavarti and Lavender, not wanting to go and speak to Harry. Ginny, of course, was cooped up inside and refused to leave her dorm. I left Pavarti and Lavender to gossip about their boyfriends while I stood up and went for a slow walk around the lake. I stayed in the shade, under the trees. The heat was almost too much for me.  
  
I saw a dark figure standing by the edge of the lake on the other side to the castle, almost completely hidden by the trees and shade. My heart missed a beat when I realised it was Professor Snape. I bit my lip and proceeded towards him. Ha, it was a risk. Approaching Snape on the hottest day of the year, when he was already irritated with me? The heat just made people more irritable. Oh well, what's the worst that could happen?  
  
I ambled over to the edge of the lake and sat down, dipping my feet in. I looked back over my shoulder and smiled at Snape. He, as I had guessed, looked irritated. I sighed and turned back to look at the view over the lake. I wanted to jump in; it looked so cool and refreshing.  
  
"Do you mind?" Snape sneered and peered down his nose at me.  
  
"Do you?"  
  
"No. Where are your infuriating friends?" smirked Snape.  
  
I was too hot and tired to scowl at Snape for insulting my friends. He won every argument anyway.  
  
"Ginny's indoors, Lavendar and Pavarti are over there," I pointed across the lake "and I don't know, or care, where Ron and Harry are - most probably playing chess somewhere."  
  
I glanced over at Snape, who was now standing beside me. I saw the surprise on his face when I said I wasn't bothered about Harry's whereabouts.  
  
"Oh, and just for the record, I despise you for giving me detention tonight," I gave a sly smile. "I wanted to stay with Ginny. She's, um… ill." I spat out. Snape, clearly shocked I had been rude to him, even though there was a hint of playfulness in my voice, sneered and claimed he had a reputation to maintain. I stayed seated with my feet in the lake for a further five minutes, splashing the water while Snape stood beside me with his arms behind his back. It was a wonder to me why sweat wasn't dripping off him. It was 30º and Snape was wearing the same amount of layers as he did in winter!   
  
"Miss Granger, if you are genuinely concerned about your friend you may be let off detention tonight." Apparently, Snape had turned nice.  
  
"Sorry? I think I mishe…"  
  
"Just pay attention in class, I cannot stand time wasters."  
  
"Thank you, Sir." I smiled. Ah, see! I knew the old guy had a heart in that body of his. I checked my watch and realised I was five minutes late for Transfiguration class. I had noticed the rest of the students disappearing. That's what happens when you get hypnotised by those chocolate pools I suppose. 


	5. Checkmate

Sara D - Don't be silly, I'm sure your stories are just great!  
  
Leila - LOL it has to end somewhere, I'm afraid! I don't want to end the fic though - I could keep this going forever!  
  
VampireHunter - Oh... um. don't die! Please :-( Here, this chapter's just for you, hehe.  
  
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The evening was spent in the dormitories, away from Harry. Ginny had been reading in bed all day. I decided not to tell her about Snape letting me off detention. I was sure Snape wouldn't appreciate me telling the school he had a soft spot. I brought some food up from the Great Hall for Ginny. I didn't even bother asking her to tell me what happened with Harry. Maybe I already knew, subconsciously. The next three hours passed quickly as we busied ourselves with reading, as our friends walked in and out of the dormitory freely without being noticed.  
  
I looked over at Ginny, who was now fast asleep. The poor girl had red eyes from where she'd been crying silently. I sighed, put my book down and went to see who was in the common room. Most people were still up, as it was only 10pm. Pavarti and Lavender weren't anywhere to be seen, so I grit my teeth and made my way over to Harry, who was sitting with Ron.  
  
"Hey 'Mione!" said Ron. "Ain't see you all day, where were you?" "Just upstairs." I avoided mentioning Ginny. I knew an evil spark would flash across Harry's eyes, and I didn't want to see.  
  
Somehow I got myself into a game of chess with Ron, and won somehow. "I'm tired" was his lame excuse. Harry insisted he played the winner, so I was stuck with him. People filtered out of the common room as our chess game dragged on. It was torture. Harry's foot was rubbing against my inner leg but I couldn't do anything. Harry could easily deny it and I would be forever labelled the liar. I bit my lower lip and continued playing, trying to act normal and not letting Harry see I was ready to kill him.  
  
"Right," Ron stood up, "I'm going to bed. See you in the morning guys." With that, several other people nodded and stood up to follow. What the hell was this? Some big plan to get me alone with Harry? I told myself when the chess game was finished I'd march straight to my room without a backwards glance. The only people left in the common room were me and Harry, and two people from the year below doing some last minute homework. When they got up to leave I panicked. Now there would be no one around! Harry looked at me over the rims of his glasses and carried on playing chess, though his foot still slid up and down my inner thigh. His foot rested between my legs for a while as he looked down at the chessboard thoughtfully. An evil smile spread across his face.  
  
"Checkmate."  
  
I sent a smile his way and stood up from the table, relieved to be able to get away. I spun on my heel and walked towards the girl's dorms. A firm hand gripped onto my wrists and another hand was clamped onto my shoulder and spun me round. I stood facing Harry, who had a wicked smile on his face. I opened my mouth to speak but Harry had pushed me hard against the wall. My back slammed against the wall and I close my eyes and bit hard on my lip. It would be over soon, I just had to get it over and done with. There was no way I could fight him, he had grown taller and stronger. Maybe I could talk him out of it, I thought.  
  
"Harry, please."  
  
A fist whacked against my jaw and made it numb. I wanted to sink down and let the world open up and swallow me whole. It was all a bit hazy, but I saw Harry taking his belt off. He ripped off my clothes in an animalistic manner and forced his way into me. It hurt me. He hurt me. He knew I was a virgin and he was purposefully being as rough and as hard as he could be. Tears rolled down my cheeks as he continued to thrust into me. I placed my hands on Harry's arms to push him away, but he grabbed my wrists and held them tightly above my head, against the wall. He had me trapped. My wrists were bruising. I cried out in pain and felt my wrist released as his fist met my stomach.  
  
"Shut the fuck up." He said plainly. I still had a free hand, which I had to place on Harry's shoulder to steady myself. I needed to lie down, as I was on the verge of collapsing. My head fell forward and my hair covered my face. I didn't want Harry to see he was winning.  
  
Suddenly I fell to the floor. I looked up through the hair that was covering my teary eyes. Harry was putting his belt back on, staring at me the whole time. I didn't move until Harry left the room. I grabbed my clothes and put them on again. I was in pain. I had to get out of the room, it smelled of him. 


	6. The Dream

Maggie - Hey thanks for reading - glad you think so!  
  
VampireHunter278 - You are so very welcome **grin**  
  
dama-de-tinieblas - Et voila - sorry I took so long!  
  
Killer Angel - Hey this lack of Snape/Hermione is killing me just as much as it is you!! It's all in my head, don't worry!  
  
Sara D - Lol, errr. taking notes on what, exactly? **raises eyebrow** And you'll have to find out what Snape does :-) Soon.  
  
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I didn't know where I was running. The cold corridors at Hogwarts all looked the same at night, and all the pictures hanging on the walls were asleep. The flame holders on the wall lit up as I ran passed. After 5 minutes of running, my eyes blinded by tears, I was at the main entrance doors to Hogwarts. I glanced around quickly to make sure no prefects or teachers were around. I'm sure I saw a dark figure standing in the corner, in the shadows. Could it have been Snape? If it was, he didn't say anything about me being out of my dorm after hours. I didn't care anyway. A quick spell and wave of my wand opened the doors easily and I snuck out outside. The lake glistened as the moon reflected light rested upon it. I ran, wanting to get away from the castle. I didn't stop until I reached the other side of the lake, where Snape and I had talked the previous day. I sat down to catch my breath, then cried. I needed to get it out somehow, because I couldn't tell anyone. He'd torment me and do it again. That's what Harry was like - he had to get his own way.  
  
I looked across the lake. Hogwarts was cloaked in darkness. The only light I had to see by was that reflecting off the moon. I saw the silhouette of somebody standing on the other side of the lake. A lump formed in my throat. What if it was Harry, coming back with unfinished business? I crawled along a bit and sat leaning against a tree. I liked this spot; I could see why Snape wanted his solitude here the other day.  
  
The next I knew it was morning, and the sun was just starting to rise. I checked the time - 5:17 according to my watch. My dream had been so vivid. Instead of the violence act the night before that I had expected to see, I dreamt of the dark figure that had silently watched me last night. This figure didn't have a face in my dream, although the graceful and swift movements led me to believe it was Snape. I remember I had been walking around the Hogwarts lake and the dark, tall figure was constantly by my side, as though it was watching over me and looking after me somehow, making sure I came to no harm. There was one part in my dream that stood out even more than the rest. I had been kneeling down at the edge of the lake looking at my reflection and the figure, who I thought I had lost for a moment, suddenly appeared in the mirrored vision and I distinctly remember feeling secure again.  
  
I stood up and brushed down my crumbled robes. The grass was wet with early morning dew and glistened in the morning sun. I looked around and absorbed my surroundings. Every little detail was as it had been in my dream. I took a few steps down towards the edge of the lake and knelt down, subconsciously wishing that the dark figure would tower over me and protect me. I was still hurting, physically and mentally from last night's drama. How could he do that? My worst suspicions about Harry and Ginny had come true. I was different from Ginny though. True, we were both strong people, but I was stronger, and I wasn't going to let Harry see he'd hurt me so much inside by staying in bed all week. I was going to my lessons and going to hold my head high.  
  
So the time for lessons came. I had transfiguration, double potions and charms. Luckily we were doing practical work in transfiguration, so I had no need to pass through the Gryffindor common room to get my books and see Harry. 5 points taken off me for lack of concentration. Pssh, thanks a lot. What do people expect when Harry was unnerving me just by sitting two seats behind me. After the lesson I ran up through the common room to the dorms and grabbed my potions work. I ran out again as fast as I had run in. I glanced around the common room as I ran through and saw Harry to my right. My jaw locked and anger boiled inside me. I kept running through though and slowed my pace to a jog until I got outside. I dropped my books on the floor and collapsed in a puddle of tears.  
  
I'm sorry, I hated that chapter just as much as you did. I was put under pressure by the Elijah Wood fans - crazy bunch they are! Chapter 7 up on Sunday I hope. 


	7. Guardian Angel

Ragnarok13 - Please, get the dagger out and by all means, use it.  
  
Queen of the Strokes - It's my mission to turn people against Harry. Is it working? Hehe.  
  
Mia44 - OK I'm sorry, I know it's taking a while but I usually read a lot of fics with a lot of romance, but no real plots behind them. I thought I'd drag this one out a bit :) Next fic will be more to the point.  
  
Snape's Witch - Oh I reckon Hermione will get her own back *grins*  
  
Steph! - I love youuuuuuu! Thanks for reading it hun! Mwah! Speak to you in 2 weeks xxx  
  
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I was well aware that people were walking passed, staring at the sobbing mess that lay on the floor. However, I wasn't so aware when lesson time began again after break. I was ten minutes late for potions already. It wasn't Snape's reaction I was dreading, it was Harry's. I wanted to kick myself for letting him get to me like this, though deep down I knew the emotional scars I was baring would stay with me for a long time, long after the physical pain had faded. I sat up, hugging my knees. My bottom lip was quivering, but I would not allow myself to be dragged down and sneered at by Harry. Slowly, I stood up and gathered my belongings and clutched them tightly. I jogged back inside and down the corridors to the dungeons. Normally I wouldn't have made a late entrance and would have sat in the library instead. I hated the way people turned around and stared. However, on this occasion the circumstances were a little different. One deep breath to calm my nerves, and I pushed the door open to find, as I had expected, a room full of eyes staring back at me. Snape's eyes followed me from the door to the desk.  
  
"Well?" He asked, one eyebrow raised as if he expected me to make up some terrible excuse.  
  
"I'm sorry, Sir." I said, avoiding eye contact with anyone. I could feel heavy eyes resting upon me and watching me intensely from the other side of the room.  
  
"You will see me after class, Ms Granger." He said with no certain tone in his voice. I nodded, keeping my eyes down. The class had turned back to their work after losing interest. I could still feel two pairs of eyes watching me like hawks. Harry's and Snape's. I was almost positive it had been Snape I was lurking in the shadows and watching me from across the lake. What puzzled me was his silence. Typically, Snape would have stepped into the light, taken 50 points from Gryffindor with great pleasure, and followed me closely to the Gryffindor tower. Maybe it wasn't Snape I had seen. Perhaps it was all wishful thinking on my part. For all I knew, it could have been another upset student not wanting to be seen. But there was something familiar about the graceful movement. I met Snape's eyes and narrowed mine thoughtfully. Yes, yes - I was certain it was Snape and I felt safer because of that.  
  
Class ended after what seemed like forever, feeling those malicious eyes constantly pressing deeper into me. My kept my own eyes focused on the front of class, trying to concentrate, but everything that was said during class was lost. I became invisible to the class, except to Harry of course, who was well aware of my presence. It didn't seem to me as if he was feeling any guilt. Was he really that sick? I wondered who his next target was. First Ginny, then me. A lump formed in my throat. Now I was faced with this dilemma. Should I silence myself or tell the school what a sick, twisted boy Harry Potter really was? The thought had crossed my mind, but again, I was forced to swallow those thoughts and remind myself that no one would believe me.  
  
The class filed out of the room, leaving Snape at his desk and me still sat behind mine. My head was resting in my hands. All that thinking and re- living the nightmare had given me a headache.  
  
"Ms. Granger?" Snape said with perhaps a note of sympathy in his voice. I didn't dare look up. If it had been him who I had seen in the shadows, just how much did he know? He couldn't have known what went on in the Gryffindor common room but it didn't take a genius to work out something was upsetting me.  
  
"Ms. Granger." This time it was a statement, rather than an apologetic question, and I'm sure there was a hint of impatience. I raised my head and looked at him, rather annoyed.  
  
"Yes Sir?" I said with my eyes closed, drawing in a deep breath. I braced myself for the questions I thought would come my way.  
  
"Why were you late?" He said in a voice a little softer than the tone he used in class.  
  
"Oh. Um, I looked at the wrong day on my timetable. I thought I had a free lesson and it was only when I went to the common room and saw nobody there I remembered it was potions. I'm really sorry, Sir." I spoke very fast, trying to get my whole apology and made up excuse out quickly, so I could leave the room as soon as I could.  
  
Snape looked a little lost for words at my outburst. "Check your timetable more carefully next time, please. You may go."  
  
I slid off the wooden chair, picked up my bag and made towards the door. I pulled it open, and before walking out I turned around and said quietly, "thank you", just hoping he knew what I was thanking him for, my guardian angel.  
  
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I know, it's short, but I'm going away for 2 weeks tomorrow so I wanted to rush this one and post it. 


	8. The Three Broomsticks

That evening, I sat in the bath for over an hour, scrubbing myself, trying to wash away the unforgivable sin. I thought that maybe if I cleaned myself, I wouldn't feel so dirty. I scrubbed until my skin bled, but I still felt like a cheap, used whore. So my skin was clean enough, but inside I needed something else. I needed something to help me forget.  
  
At around 8pm that evening I walked straight through the common room, making eye contact with no one. It was before curfew, so I could probably slip out of Hogwarts without being noticed. I had a long black cloak with a hood, though the hood wasn't pulled up while I was still in school. I didn't stop walking with my eyes down until I was safely out of the Hogwarts grounds. Hogsmeade was calling me every step of the way, or more specifically, The Three Broomsticks.  
  
I slammed the right change down on the counter and ordered their strongest drink, with my hood up so it wasn't obvious I was under the legal drinking age. The bar tender never thought to question me, and handed me my drink and rushed off to serve his next customer. I poured the drink down my throat, numb to the taste, and in turn, numbing the pain I was feeling. Slamming the glass down on the bar top to get the bar tenders attention with an aggression that I scared myself with, I ordered another drink.  
  
By my sixth drink, I was dependant on the bar counter to keep me standing upright. "Oh, go on, what harm can one more drink do?" I slammed my last bit of money onto the counter.  
  
"No you don't young lady."  
  
Both Professor McGonagall and Professor Snape were standing behind me with a look of anger and disgust. I pulled myself away from the counter and started towards the door, only to find I couldn't walk. I slumped onto the floor. A pair of firm hands lifted me into standing position and I was guided back to Hogwarts.  
  
I woke up late the next morning, at around 10:30, with Madam Pomfrey standing over my, arms crossed. "You're a silly girl, do you know that?" My head was throbbing and I felt sick. Why couldn't I stay numb? Why didn't I drink even more? Drink myself to death, overdose, whatever. All through the morning I had Ron, Ginny, Dumbledore and McGonagall bothering me - why did you do this? Why did you do that? I noticed Snape didn't come and visit me. Charming of him really, what else would I have expected from him? Well, I suppose I should just be thankful that Harry didn't come along with false smiles and sneers.  
  
I spent the whole day in the hospital wing, resting. At 6pm that evening, I went back to my dorm. Dumbledore had told Ginny to keep an eye on me to make sure I didn't sneak off school grounds again. I was thankful for the company though. I knew what Harry had done to her, and she knew what Harry had done to me, though we never spoke out loud about this - we communicated with our eyes only. When the other girls came in at about 11:00, Ginny and me hadn't spoken a word to each other. However, she came over before going to bed and gave me a hug. "I'm here if you need a shoulder to cry on."  
  
I fell asleep and dreamed the dream again - although this time the face of my guardian angel was much clearer, much closer, and much more real. 


	9. Secluded

I had too many reviews now to thank you all individually, but please know that your comments do mean a lot, so keep reviewing!! (Yes, I am a complete feedback whore!) I promise some proper lovey dovey romantic stuff soon. Not next chapter but soon :)  
  
Disclaimer: Nothing is mine expect the plot, blah blah blah.  
  
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Five o'clock in the morning and I'm staring at the ceiling, staring at the patterns and tracing them with my eyes. I had drifted in and out of sleep all night, going back to my dream, always running to my angel's arms but never quite reaching them. I gave up on trying to get any proper sleep. I kicked back my duvet with aggression and slid out of bed. I cross the room, making as little noise as possible, and looked out the window across the Hogwarts grounds.  
  
A cloaked figure was walking briskly in-between the trees along the edge of the forbidden forest. That figure, so familiar to me, but so distant. Was it Snape I was in love with? Addicted to? Or was it the mystery that surrounded him. I wanted to get to know him, and to build up that special friendship again. Should I go downstairs and walk around outside and see if he notices me? Maybe he'll say something to me this time. I looked back at Ginny, who was stirring a little in her sleep. Quickly and quietly, I got dressed into my clothes. It was a little light as the sun had only just started to show itself over the top of the trees. I snuck out of the dormitory, through the empty common room and briskly walked through the unlit corridors down to the main entrance doors.  
  
My head turned, left and right. I couldn't see him. My head lowered. I felt like a disappointed child who didn't get to stay in the toyshop or didn't get to choose any sweets that day. A dog with its tail between its legs. I crossed my arms to guard myself against the early morning chill and walked around the lake, looking only at my feet. Without even thinking, my feet were taking me to the other side of the lake. My secluded area. Our secluded area. I sat myself down beside the tree that's heavy willow branches pulled it into the rippling water. Humming to myself with my head resting on my knees, I let the breeze gently kiss my cheeks.  
  
I lost all sense of time when a sudden movement behind me broke my thoughts. The rustle of a cloak and a sharp intake of breath made me jump. I lifted my head off my knees and turned it to see Professor Snape standing, arms folded, behind me. I turned back and stared out towards the lake, and for no apparent reason, my eyes glazed over with tears.  
  
"It's quarter to six. Any sane person would still be asleep."  
  
I closed my eyes and let a tear roll down my cheek. I bit my lip. If I spoke I wouldn't be able to hold back the tears. I kept my eyes on the lake, not wanting Snape to see my crying.  
  
"Miss Granger?"  
  
Again, that note of sympathy. His voice melted over me and caressed me. I blinked and wiped the tear from my cheek.  
  
"Says a lot about you then, don't you think?" I turned my head to look at him and raised an eyebrow. It was meant to be a joke, but I realised it could be taken the wrong way. I quickly snapped my head back to the lake and continued to stare across it.  
  
"Go back to your dorm before anyone else wakes up, Hermione."  
  
Silently, I stood up and walked back to the castle. I turned around and smiled slightly and raised my hand to wave goodbye, but quickly dropped it again. I'm sure I saw a smile returned. I left him standing at our secluded area, watching after me. 


	10. Cloaked In Shadow

I was bleeding, crying, screaming silently, inside. A repeat performance, shall we say, had left me in pain. Harry had been in the common room under his invisibility cloak when I was in there sitting alone. Well, I thought I had been alone. The attack was so sudden. I didn't have time scream, think, breathe. He didn't say anything to me this time. I felt like a toy, being used and disposed of whenever he felt like it.  
  
Afterwards, when the common room really was empty, I sobbed hysterically to myself. I felt lost inside, a lost soul. I had no direction, no hope; I didn't know where I was going or what I was feeling. Everything inside of me and in my world had been turned upside down. My room had been checked, probably by Ginny, for alcohol. Apparently Dumbledore didn't trust me to drink. Ha, what, little Miss Granger turned into a depressive alcoholic? Never. Drinking was out of the question, as were any other substance. At this late hour, even Madame Pomfrey would be nodding off in her chair, so no chance of appointing myself to the hospital wing.  
  
I thought perhaps I was just making excuses for myself. Since when did Poppy Pomfrey ever turn a student away from the hospital wing because it was night? The truth was, I didn't want any company. How could I know who to trust anymore? Harry had been my best friend for years and then. well, look what happened to him. It was online Snape, or the image of Snape that I had built up inside my head, that I could trust.  
  
A few hours might have passed before the tears stopped and I was able to stand. 3 o'clock I read on my watch. Or was it 12:15? I couldn't tell from the tears that blinded me. All I could see was that it was dark outside. My mind didn't even have to consider what to do next. My legs were, although still shaking, taking me down the dingy corridors. My hand traced along the stone walls to guide me. My knees unexpectedly gave way and I was thrown onto the hard floor. A sob of surprise escaped my throat. I push myself off the floor and stood, a little wary. I stood with my back to the wall and paused, hearing nothing but the sound of my own breathe.  
  
I was almost at the end of the corridor, where I was to turn right and out of the doors. To my left, a torch on the wall suddenly lit up. I held my breath and didn't dare myself to move. Someone was near me. My eyes flickered over to where the light was, and I couldn't see anyone, except my own shadow. Still convinced someone was around, I very slowly and carefully slid my back down the wall so I was crouching low on the floor, with my back still to the wall.  
  
Then I heard the swish of a cloak. The shadow quickly followed, heading in the direction of Hogwarts front doors. A quiet squeak escaped the rusty hinges as the door was shut behind the silent roaming figure. Was I hallucinating? Had I seen a ghost? Not that surprising to find a ghost in the corridors of Hogwarts, but had it been Sir Nicholas or the Bloody Baron or their friends, they surely would have said hello and interrogated me for being out so late. And it certainly wasn't Peeves, for he never misses a single trick and as soon as he spotted me he would have woken the whole castle up with his screaming and shouting.  
  
Whoever, or whatever, it was, they shouldn't have been out this late. Following the Gryffindor stereotype, I stood up straight and decided to follow this mystery figure that had haunted my mind and thoughts for so long. As I walked along in silence towards the huge oak doors, I considered that this cloaked individual might not be who I longed it to be. What would I do then? Getting in trouble didn't bother me. Being friends with Harry and Ron for over 6 years had certainly got me into some serious trouble, I could handle that. What I was worried about was my heart. The only thing keeping me going was the belief in my head that Snape was watching over and looking out for me. I often cried and longed for us to be closer. I wanted to be his friend, if nothing else. I wanted to be the one to make him open up and be the one that he could confide in. Whenever I thought back to 3 years ago, I remember some of the good memories; making him smile for the first time, borrowing books from him. then the bad memories took over. The humiliation I felt in class and the torture I felt when our friendship was over.  
  
I opened the oak doors a little and snuck my body through the gap sideways. It was lighter outside, because of the light reflecting off the moon and the stars that lit the clear black sky. Still a little blurry eyed, my feet padded over the damp grass. I felt dizzy. The night's events were too much for me. I let my legs direct me wherever they wanted. I didn't care. I was passed caring.  
  
I wanted to stop at my favourite secluded spot, but I noticed the wooden bench a few yards away. Sitting on a bench was far more inviting than sitting on the moist grass. I sat down slowly and led my head roll back. The stars had never meant much to me. I found Astrology incredibly boring, but tonight they looked down on me and looked beautiful. It seemed to me that the night's splendour was wasted. What did the day have that the night could not cater for? More tranquillity than daylight could ever offer, that was for sure. I pulled my feet up onto the bench and hugged my knees and sang in a whisper to myself.  
  
"Blurring and stirring the truth and the lies,  
  
So I don't know what's real and what's not.  
  
Always confusing the thoughts in my head,  
  
So I can't trust myself anymore.  
  
I'm dying again."  
  
A shadow behind me stirred. I stiffened, both curious and scared. I could feel it drawing closer, taking slow, careful steps. I didn't dare to turn around. A hand gently rested on my right shoulder. For a split second my heart stopped. The thought had crossed my mind that the hand might have belonged to Harry. I turned my head slowly, and the hand left my shoulder. 


End file.
